Movies/Theater

A Middle Finger To The Walking Dead

Once I pledge that I’m quitting something, bacon aside, I’m batting 1.000. Thus, I am declaring that I am done with The Walking Dead. You already have the number one rated TV series in the business, yet you decide to pull a huge cliffhanger. A cliffhanger of this magnitude is overkill. I was gonna watch the new season premiere any damn way.

So in short, what happened was the new, big baddie showed up. Barbed wire wrapped bat in tow. Word is, Cactus Jack gave it to him. So the new baddie named “Negan” decided he has to send a message and kill one of the protagonists. He randomly chooses one of them and proceeds to bash their skull unmerciful. The screen cuts to black without showing who it was.

Such cheap, low brow bullshit.

I had money on this shit.

I’m supposed to prance around for the next year asking every damn person I know “Who do you think got killed?” Well that ain’t happening. You blew it, man. If I can go a year not knowing who it is, I can go the remainder of my sinful life.

I haven’t went to sleep this pissed off since Valentine’s Day 2011. I took my girl to Benihanas. Let her add on shrimp to her meal AND get the dessert, green tea ice cream. Your pal, Smitty didn’t get any that night.

Here I thought that was the ultimate betrayal. Little did I know what Scott Gimple (the Showrunner) had in store for me some five years later. Last night, I was screwed. Royally. I’ve been A1 since Day One, since fellow columnist Mike Madison told me this show was premiering back on 2010. I’ve read the comic, mostly illegally just for full disclosure, up to the current issue. Even bought the game for my XBox before I sold it. Yet all the writers and creators of this show had for me was the elongated middle finger of a 7 foot NBA center from a war torn country.

This was the equivalent to going to Radio Shack for batteries and being told how the particular store brand ones have a sweet rebate deal THEN waiting until after I swipe to tell me that it’s a mail in rebate not an instant one. I don’t wanna wait 4-6 weeks for my rebate on this 32 pack of batteries. I want my $4.99 NOW!

It’s like going to TGIF and ordering boneless wings like a boss. Unlimited apps, Bitch! Only for the bartender to tell me AFTER I check out that that deal doesn’t apply at the bar anymore. $47 for wings. That’s that bullshit and I won’t stand for it.

Parmesan garlic boneless wings aside, the series did a similar cliff hanger already this season. Glenn hid under a damn dumpster for three months while the show went on winter break. It’s redundant. It’s a trick bad writers use when all out of fresh, innovative ideas. There were rumors that this would in fact be the ending a week before it aired. I refused to believe a mere internet rumor. Especially such an asinine one. But no, the rumor was real as is my contempt.

AMC, Scott Gimple, Greg Nicotera, this was the night you all jumped the shark. Speaking of sharks, when is Shark Week? THAT never does me such a disservice! I’m calling Comcast as I type this to set up a payment plan for my February bill. And while I’m on the phone with them, I’m gonna request that they take AMC off of my channel package. Everyone knows that I sold my XBOX due to the fact that I don’t play games out here. AMC doesn’t seem to comprehend this. To quote the great philosopher Iron Sheik, “You are not the real!!!”. You all have just lost one and just like your irrational character Carol, don’t you dare come looking for me.

Fuck You Guys.

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