If your an avid reader of Champagne in The Locker Room, you will know Bill Walker as our resident fitness and health expert. He’s also a New England Patriots fan.
We had to let him cook.
NOTE: Before I start you can say I’m biased to the Pats, which is fine but you are probably biased against them, which is fine.
However, I do not take in account your feelings.
Signed, The strong bearded bald cool guy.
It is with great honor that I am commissioned by The Editor-in-Chief as an unabashed Patriots fan, to write this article of the big battle.
My face when receiving the orders from above…
While I am no spectacular sports writer, and there are others under the CiTLR banner that would more expertly enunciate the game via pen and paper I never back down from a task, I was commissioned to illustrate an interesting Iliad. So here go…
February 5th 2017 A.D.
At home I watch the game in the comforts of my Commander Chair used to slay monsters and save galaxies. Tuned in for Super bowl LI, I am stoic but nervous, not really listening to predictions because analysts are often wrong and just bitter.
When it comes to the big bowl, in my opinion it’s anyone’s game. You were good enough…no great enough to get there so anyone can win. You can have a spectacular season and post season and still falter at the big bowl…because hey it’s the Super Bowl I have no predictions only hopes.
I call and text some of my friends before the game. I play The Witcher before coin toss. It’s time.
A stop by Atlanta…stoically I look like ah well, battle becomes us friends. I am not dismayed at one drive.
Then…it happened. You would’ve thought I was watching a trailer for Avengers Infinity War as Thanos lays waste to civilization for three quarters. Julio Jones and his miraculous deer like kung fu stances as he makes his seemingly impossible catches. The Pats have trouble connecting. So many dropped passes.
Such a performance…as Mike Madison had called it…was literally like watching Optimus Prime die before your very eyes. It was seeing like seeing Jon Snow die. I watch…expecting the epic Patriots return for what feels like a bloody eternity. Just when you thought the game was going to turn around…fumble!!! Again optimisms turned to thwarts as I watched Robert Alford get an easy pick. 21-3…Atlanta, at the Super bowl young!
Note: I’ve seen the Patriots come back over 20 points against a Peyton Manning led Colts so I had a bit of faith but this was no ordinary division game…this was the Super bowl.
At the third quarter..28-3…I felt like Yoda when he sensed the disturbance in the force only to be Anakin Skywalker killing Younglings (Jedi kids in training…children…when he murdered the children) in Star Wars Revenge of the Sith.
Honestly I thought it was over but I had a glimmer of the faintest hope. No lie. I was ready to accept my fate in terms of ridiculous grandiose foolish statements on morality and an onslaught of ruthless memes but I had faint hope.
I said…this would be the greatest comeback of all time.
I know we heard…“no one has ever came back past 10 points.” Yeah yeah yeah…but we never thought we’d see Spiderman with the Avengers. We never thought aside from hope that Black Panther would come out next year. If we based stuff on stuff that never happened then we will never believe in the stuff that could happen.
25 points down…
Then it started…
The voice of Gandalf…
RIDE OUT AND MEET THEM!!!
A 5 YD pass to James White…YEAH YOUNG!!!
Only to be coupled with a missed extra point attempt! BLAST!!!
25..9..a valiant attempt to put points on the board.
Then…a field goal….28-12…
Hope…there was a faint glimmer…realistically it was unlikely that Atlanta wouldn’t score again.
With 5:56 left, not only was there a 6yd pass to Amendola but JAMES WHITE AGAIN WITH THE CLUTCH 2 PT CONVERSION!!!! OK YOUNG!!!
28…20…WE ARE BACK IN BUSINESS!
I hit up fellow CiTLR contributor The Madison Man, this is reminiscent of the return of that great character…Optimus Prime…HE LIVES!!!!
IF…THEY…WIN…I THINK…IF IT HAPPENS…
Even naysayers…remarked…if they come back…he’s the greatest ever.
Hahahaha. I knew in their hearts they only said that because they ain’t want it to be true…knowing they’d have to eat that humble sandwich with a side of “how you like that!” and “take this you bandwagon fan” as a drink.
Still 8 points down…7 is one thing…but 8? Young? Literally a TD AND A 2 POINT!!!
Here is the actual huddle right before Brady gives James his instructions for victory…I secured ACTUAL IN GAME HUDDLE FOOTAGE
TIE GAME…INTO OVERTIME!
TO THE DEATH? NO! TO THE PAIN!
A wolfish feeling becomes my persona. This is it! both team on even grounds. This is what it has come down to.
The final battle.
For Atlanta…their first Super Bowl title and bragging rights against New England, endless remixes of trap music, and ridiculous morality statuses on Facebook.
I bet some of you quarter-squatting one-day Atlanta fans already had that stupid speech typed up.
You felt great with your memes didn’t you? You were ready to ridicule your Patriot fan friend even though your team slums with your smug faces.
HAAAAA NOPE! BE MAD!!! LET THE HATE COURSE THROUGH YOUR VEINS AS THE IV OF TRUTH FLOWS THROUGH YOUR ANGRY SOUL. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. SHAME ON YOU!
To time travel a bit…the feeling of seeing the team you like get whooped was awful. That’s probably why ya’ll hate the Pats…that feeling of despair…bloodshed, the light of day taken from your very eyes.
Well…tough…that’s life…your team gets whooped…hopefully they learn from it. I will never dislike something because it outdoes me…as a fitness dude, I can only respect it.
Back to the game…
The coin toss…you feel the excitement and tension all through the air as if the terrigen mist cloud (look it up and learn friends) is about to sweep the stadium and transform all who are worthy into the next step of evolutionary greatness. Except that is no cloud friend. That you feel is time…the air of time that ticks mercilessly regardless if you are ready or not.
Pats get the toss…I expect a coin gate theory to spew from millions of conspiracy theorists who are fans of the flat Earth nonsense.
Minutes pass…Pats at the goal line…
JUST LIKE ALL THINGS, THE BLACK MAN HAS DONE HIS PART TO SAVE THE GALAXY. HE WILL GO DOWN IN LEGEND AS A BLACK HISTORY HERO…HE BETTER! LONG LIVE JAMES WHITE! THE T’CHALLA OF FOOTBALL.
THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE FIVE TIME SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS.
Bradimus Prime aka Tom…Snow…the Steve Rogers of Football (FIGHT ME LOL) has long since secured his place as the greatest QB in history.
As we speak…if aliens are indeed real they know not to trifle with the people of Earth as they watched the human spirit in action today.
The ONLY QUARTERBACK…NOT LINEMAN…WE KNOW…WE GET IT LOL…QUARTERBACK…TO GET 5..FREAKING RINGS.
The greatest team ever.
The greatest coach ever.
The greatest comeback ever.
The greatest Super Bowl ever.
The greatest collection of trolling the social media world will ever see.
I call my friends…I shout mightily…5!!!! 5!!!!! 5!!!!!!
High-fives to co workers.
One of my college bros is from Boston. I can only imagine the joy of the football team of the city you live in to give you that sense of pride.
I only hope that one day the Redskins can achieve such an iota of greatness.
This was inspiring to see. This was a true test of the human spirit. I had accepted an Atlanta win, and it would’ve been OK. Hey, you win the game, you win the game.
If you’ve ever been down and out, or looked over, only to climb your way to greatness (hint…me…read my articles LOL) to survive and thrive on the battlefield with arrows in your back…blood dripping through your pours…exhaustion only to greet the rising sun of life with victory…then you can really appreciate this win.
I am glad to say I was apart of it, how about that humble pie to Goodell…HA
What an awesome weekend.
A big shout out to the real Atlanta fans…be proud of your year. No matter what, your team made it. New England just went New England. That’s it.
Bill Walker though not a sports analyst was commissioned to write this article, albeit because of his odd literary ability to craft humorous anecdotes using uncommon metaphors.
He is a personal trainer certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine, and a Youth Fitness Coach in various schools in Washington D.C.
If you were inspired by the past few days of athletics and go, “Hey I want my child or myself to also be in football esque shape” then feel free throw up the Bill signal