Champagne in The Locker Room’s own Stepbrothers (Bernard & Mike) are at it again, and this time, we have compiled a list of repugnant faces that welcome a straight jab ala Floyd Mayweather followed by a right cross this side of Andre Ward!
Let’s see if you agree, shall we?
A (dis)honorable mention goes out to these men:
Now that we got those bammas out of the way, let’s get to the list, shall we?
10. Koonye West
The name, as coined by the great Manny Lewis, sure fits huh?
This guy has shot up the ranks of people that you’d gladly lace your refreshing Tropicana Twister with arsenic.
I don’t care about his politics; one of my best friends is a Republican, so don’t think his MAGA hat is why he’s here. He’s here because he acts as if he’s on some mission. Ever since New Slaves when he had people thinking it had anything to do with minorities when the whole time he was talking about himself and the fashion industry. When he had us in an uproar because he wanted to make clothes for the people only to hit you for a grip to buy his shoes or some clothes that look like they came from The Derilict Campaign. No?? Nothing?! It’s from Zoolander people, sheesh!
He’s a clown of the highest order and he knows it, we just keep falling for the bullshit. I think we all would like to glass this bamma so hard that he has to talk through the wire again.
We miss the Old Kanye…
9. Brett “The Ripper” Kavanaugh
Liar. Sexual assaulter. Belligerent drunkard. He gets confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, our women are gonna have to drive to a back alley in Staten Island to get birth control.
That’s not just it. His confirmation makes the Supreme Court of the United States a majority conservative entity. That’s when the chaos ensues. Massive immigration reform, a reaffirming of our worse fears. White privilege is on the edge of their seats. Let’s hope it gets toppled by the brave women and the #MeToo Movement.
8. Donald J. Trump
This doesn’t need too much explaining, right? Oh, ard.
7. Kevin The Big Wolf Ticket Garnett
Clubber Lang. Ivan Drago. Deebo. Darth Vader. Galvatron. Go anywhere on the face of the this earth and you won’t find a better bluffer. No one, and The Mike means NO ONE looks like they’re about to fight but ends up not fighting more than this guy. In the immortal words of Loaded Lux, Kevin’s Jim Lampley or Larry Merchant. He just talks a good fight.
6. Jonathan Andre-LaRoy Hart
We could talk about this guy being a decorated civil servant working for the Metropolitan Police Department for over 20 years. We could talk about him being a great father of three. Hell, we could even talk about him being one of my best friends, but fuck that.
He’s a dumb goon to the likes of which the world has never seen. He’s done everything from lying to my sons about my untimely demise to picking those innocent souls up from school and taking them to strip clubs. The only reason why I remain his friend is because he threatens me with bully tactics. He JUST told me yesterday, and I quote: “Hey pal. I put some drug paraphernalia in your car. Make sure you stay in your lane…cause all it takes is one call.”
5. Wardell Stephen Curry, II
I’m not a Lebron fan or someone who hates Steph Curry; I love the kids’ game. But keep it clean, every time you see him hit one of those pull up 3’s from half court, dancing and smiling in your face, you’re telling that there isn’t a part of you that pictures tattooing his head with your knuckles (brass knux) splitting his beige face and watching the pool of blood coat the floor? Just me? Liar!
4. Jason Whitlock
Enemy of all black people. Tested positive for Uncle Tom Syndrome. If you know who he is, you probably hate him as much as I do, and if you are unfamiliar with him, good. If you see him, just pop him.
3. Kobe The Bull Bryant
Technically he should not be on any list of punchable faces, because a few years ago, Chris Childs did us all a huge favor hitting him with the now famous “two piece, no biscuit.” But he’s on it because….well, HE JUST Is dammit!!!
2. Sean Hannity
Full disclosure. I’ve seen this guy before, but I would not demean myself and watch FOXNews on a frequent basis. I just know that this guy is not only a face everybody would love to punch, but look at that fucking smirk. Look at it, I say!!!
1. Tucker Carlson
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
White privilege, balled up into one dumb, idiot package. Besides Jonathan Hart, Tucker is the only guy whose head I’d place under the wheel of my Buick Rendezvous. Not to kill, mind you.
Just to horribly maim.
While there were plenty more punchable faces we could have included (our own obviously were considered), this list is pretty iron-clad, dontcha think?