Special guest contributor Anthony Brown was not happy with our non-negotiable Top 10 Halloween candies list so he decided to critique said list as only he can.
We will let him cook today, but just for today.
So, I’m scrolling through Twitter last night after basketball practice as I always do, and I so happen to come across a tweet from my guy Dion. It’s a post from CiTLR and it’s a listing of his Top 10 Halloween candies. Naturally, being the former candy lover that I am (and I low key still indulge in the finest of the sugary snacks), I decided to dive into his list. Because he’s light skin, I’m expecting some foolishness like candy corn to be on his list. To my surprise and pleasure, that awful insult to the great candies of the world, did NOT make his list.
So let us see what the gent has to offer…
His number #1 candy was Reese’s Cups. I am immediately in an uproar! He had the nerve to list a candy heavy in peanut butter as the all-time GOAT of Halloween candy?!! Reese’s are the New York Giants of candy. Every so often, they’ll sneak up in win, but no one considers them the GOAT. Na-uh. No way.
OK, so I move on to number #2 and it’s a Snickers. Now, we’re back on track. Snickers are always a contender. It’s like the New England Patriots of candy. You know what you’re going to get with it. Bonafied winner there.
Then we get to number #3 as this is the moment where I start to question our friendship. Sweet Tarts. SWEET TARTS?!! It’s like someone eloquently said “Let’s make some slightly tart, slightly sugary power, cook it like hard crack, and tell kids that it’s candy.” It’s awful. Sweet Tarts are the Jacksonville Jaguars. You dress them up in a pretty package (uniform), but they still can’t win games.
Number #4 on his list is slightly back on track. While I believe in Kit Kat bars to be worthy of a pickup, I don’t see them in the top 5. They’re mediocre at best. Kit Kats are the Washington Redskins. You’ll get a good run out of them every once in a while, but they’re not consistent.
Number #5 on his list is official. Jolly Ranchers. You can’t go wrong with these. Sour apple, blue raspberry, cherry, grape sucks, but hey you can’t win them all right? Jolly Ranchers are consistent. You can get to the playoffs and have a chance to win it all with Jolly Ranchers. They are the Pittsburgh Steelers of candy.
Number #6 on his list is Starburst. I have no gripe with this pick. Solid selection. If you get a pink Starburst, someone loves you more than they love themselves. Cherish it. But, if you so happen to get that orange joint, chances are…bammas don’t rock with you too tough. Starburst should be equated to the New Orleans Saints. They’re usually really good on one side of the ball, but not good enough to win it all.
Pick #7 Twix. I was definitely insulted that Mr. Johnson listed Twix as low as number seven on the list. Twix is a consistent title contender every year. No debate about it. Always building through the draft. No big name free agent pickups in the off season. Twix are the Seattle Seahawks of candy.
Number #8 on this list should get him banned from writing on his own website! Smarties?! Are you kidding me?!! It’s like you’re eating chalk and saying it’s candy. Smarties are the Philadelphia Eagles of candy. Never won and never will win anything!
M&Ms comes in at number #9 on the list and is a good pick, though I question which ones he’s referring to and that my friends makes a huge difference. If this is the peanut joints aka “the yellow bag”, cool…I’m all in in. But, if this is the brown bag, we ji gotta problem B! So just to be clear, yellow bag is the Denver Broncos; brown bag is the Detroit Lions.
Lastly, we come to pick number #10. I really racked my brain for a while on this one. There is really a thin line that cannot be crossed when it comes to this pick. Personally, I think it’s a legit pick on the outside. It’s when you get to the inside that bothers me with this pick. What was number #10? Blowpops. We all know that a Sour Apple Blowpop as a child was the GOAT hands down, no questions asked. But, once you get to that gum on the inside, just awful. Blowpops are the Dallas Cowboys of candy. You always expect so much out of them, but they disappoint you in the end.
If you actually got to the end of this, you are going to be offended. Probably because I sassed a candy while simultaneously sassing your favorite professional football team. Then you are going to ask yourself, “Well what’s did his list look like?” and you will get to this sentence and be even more pissed when I say, my list is like the number ten pick…you were expecting greatness…but much like the current 6-1 Dallas Cowboys, you will be disappointed in the end because I am not giving you one. HA!