**Editor’s Note** This article was written by our newly hired contributor Nichole Philpot. If anyone would like to contact her about this article, the link of her bio has been posted in the hyperlink. We here at CiTLR welcome Nichole to the team!!***
DISCLAIMER: This list wreaks of entitlement and obviously, you don’t HAVE to get ANYbody ANYthing for Valentine’s Day. It’s a pagan holiday that heathens celebrate, with fervor. It’s the white man’s holiday shrouded in murder, mayhem, and oppression. It’s a contrived celebration (like most holidays) to trick you into spending your money. Besides, it’s the thought that counts, right? People should be grateful for whatever gift they receive. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. And, all that jazz. Ok, now that THAT is out of the way, leggo.
The men that I know (and some women, too) hate, HATE, HATE Valentine’s Day.
For different reasons, obviously…but most can agree that it just kinda creeps up on you. One day, it’s New Year’s Eve, then MLK, then BAM! It’s February 13th and you are scrambling to at least get roses delivered to her job in less than 24 hours. Yeah…let’s not do that this year.
Today is January 30th and you have about two weeks to get in good and then collect your reciprocal prize on March 14th. (Just kidding, but look it up.) Anyway…I’ve drawn up a list of common things and revisions that won’t break your pockets. How am I qualified to make this list? Easy. I’m a woman. Duh. Also, I’ve celebrated/attended/watched from the sidelines at least blah-blah-blah many Valentine’s Days over the years. There are things that The Establishment would have you believe is a “good” gift. These are also the things that have made me cringe when I opened or received them. This list is how they could have been better. I want to save you from the embarrassment of the Sucky Gift Giver label and you should totally care if you’re a Sucky Gift Giver. The Sucky Gift Giver receives Sucky Gifts later on down the line. Karma.
What you need to realize MOST is that a woman wants to feel like you know her. Like really, REALLY know her. Not like you woke up on February 14th and rushed into Walgreens or CVS and bought her the last chocolate candy heart. This happened to me once and I was crushed. I was 17 at the time, but still… First of all, I don’t like chocolate. At all. Secondly, those cherries and/or other gooey stuff inside those chocolates is mad disgusting, yo. So, unless you KNOW for sure she likes those Sweet Tarts Candy Hearts or Cherry Red Nerds or whatever, stay away from the candy. And let’s make it our mission to put that chocolate candy heart company out of business. M-kay? OK.
- STUFFED ANIMALS
Number 9 shoulda been number 1, to me. Seriously, does this even need to be said? We are not in high school. Even when you were, you quickly realized that those Teddy Bears from Six Flags piled up, collected dust, and took up too much room on your bed. Plus, if you’re entertaining the thought of buying a stuffed animal as a serious gift, you’re totally the guy who buys those red Teddy Bears wearing the too-small “Be Mine” t-shirts from Forestville Mall. REVISION: What did I just say?
Okay, flowers as a stand-alone Valentine’s Day gift are generally not the best idea. Especially the kind that you buy from the side of the road on the way home from work on February 14th. Unless you KNOW that roses are her favorite flower, stay away from red roses for V-Day. They’re expensive and cliche. REVISION: Find out her favorite flower or her favorite color, or her favorite flower that’s her favorite color and give her that. Once, I got purple tulips as part of a V-Day gift ensemble because purple. They were the best flowers ever! Too bad we broke up the next day. But, I digress…
- GREETING CARDS
Unless your greeting card has like ONE MILLION DOLLARS inside or you’re passing them out to your fifth grade classmates, don’t you dare walk up in the crib with just a greeting card. I don’t think that needs to be said, but there will always be a goofy dude that’ll say “at least I remembered” and be scratching his head about the silent treatment he’s getting for the next week. REVISION: you CAN give a greeting card IF it plays a song from you and your girl’s GTD playlist. Those things are like $10, though. So, proceed with caution. And, I would still follow it up with something else.
- GIFT CARDS
Here’s why gift cards are tricky. A, they are mad impersonal. Two, they sell them at the gas station. HOWEVER, gift cards can still be a winner. But you have to really KNOW your woman and the gift card should reflect that. For example, if she just LOVES Amazon (like the creator of this list) and she doesn’t have an Amazon wishlist (UNlike the creator of this list), an Amazon gift card is totally approps. If she likes massages, you can absolutely give her a Spafinder gift card. If she enjoys do-it-yourself home projects, a Home Depot gift card would do the trick. Notice I said if SHE likes home projects—not YO ass. Anyway, you get the point. REVISION: For extra points, put that gift card INSIDE the singing card that plays y’all’s song from the GTD playlist.
Speaking of impersonal gifts, do NOT give money as a gift. When I was thirteen, all I wanted for Christmas was $100 cash. My family scraped it together and I bought it pair of Reebok Classics with it. I squandered away the rest on Whopper Jrs. at the Burger King on Benning Road, I’m sure. Then, I wanted some more money to buy an outfit to go with the shoes. The point, you ask? Whatever you give is never enough. Of course, we ALL need money. We ALL need MORE money. We’ve ALL got bills and obligations. REVISION: See the rest of this list.
Jewelry and small trinkets are usually a sure-fire win IF you know your woman and WHAT KIND OF JEWELRY she likes. Read that last sentence again. IF she’s been dropping pretty obvious hints that she wants to be married, however, don’t give her any piece of jewelry in a square velvet box. That’s mean AF. Just don’t do it, fam. In fact… you, Sir, may NOT gift her jewelry. At all.
I know this list is for the guys, but ladies…Ladies. This one’s for you. Let’s put it into perspective, shall we? What if I wrapped an empty box and gave it to you? As a gift? Then, I get mad that you are so unappreciative of the air I just gave you. Yeah, that’s like giving sex (or sexual favors) as a gift. People have sex everyday, B. In fact, sex is like air to most men. REVISION: Give him a threesome, sis. Just kidding. It ain’t none. I repeat: Sex is not a gift. Not even if it’s not the regular sex. Not even if you guys never do it. Wait, if y’all never do it, throw this whole list away. Valentine’s Day ain’t gon’ save you.
- BODY CARE
What smells “good” on one woman might totally reek on another one. These don’t go with every woman’s body chemistry or PH balance. Basically, this is a yeast infection in a jar/tube/bottle. Stay away from it. REVISION: If you know what she likes or owns already, you may proceed. If you don’t, make sure you have 3-7 days to spare. That’s how long it’ll take for the Monistat to kick in. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Again…Women have different pheromones, my G. Perfumes mix with pheromones and body odors on different women and create flowers—or dumpster juice. One women’s Daisy by Marc Jacobs (my fav, by the way) is another woman’s White Diamonds. If you don’t know how White Diamonds smells, your granny had it. Trust me. REVISION: Don’t be out here winging this perfume thing unless you know your woman. If you don’t know a scent she would like (because she specifically told you), at least know what kind of scent she’d like. Citrus, floral, fruity, spicy for example. And, PLEASE don’t get anything with “Smells Like…” or “Our Version of…” on the bottle. Thank me later.
Getting your sweetheart a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift without breaking the bank is totally doable. It takes some attention to detail and like one tiny ounce of preparation. So, pay attention to her likes and dislikes. And, whatever you decide to get her, START TODAY. You’ve got nearly a fortnight to prepare for it. Oh, and by the way, there is no ‘M” in “Valentine.”