DISCLAIMER: Girls trips ain’t for everybody.
Some of you keep your circle so small you started talking to yourself. We get it; you don’t have friends. This list ain’t for you, though you should seriously consider the benefits of having a sister-circle. This list is for the rest of you ladies, who maybe have contemplated a vacation with your girlfriends. Or, you may have gone on a girls’ trip once and you were immediately turned off. That’s because you (and they) didn’t know or follow The Rules. Oh, yes! There are rules to this sh*t; I wrote me a manual.
Thanks to Queen Latifah and Jada Pinkett Smith and Regina Hall and Tiffany Haddish and probably Universal Pictures and maybe even Iyanla, many ladies will descend upon New Orleans (or other destinations) this vacation season with their girlfriends in tow for what promises to be a weekend of cocktails, fun, and… debauchery. The god-awful “Principal” of Wife School recently posted that girls trips are “pathetic and desperate.” And, I guess they could be if seriously searching for a husband is the ONLY thing on your life’s agenda. For the rest of us, though, a girls’ trip is a great time to discuss current events, bond with busy or long-distance friends, and have a downright good time. BUT, some of you heifas be acting all the way UP!
So let this list commence, shall we?
10. No more than 2-4 ladies per room.
One cost-effective benefit of the girls’ trip is that yes, you are allowed to split the room with your friends. The ladies don’t have that same pressure to entertain a potential visitor in their rooms. You don’t need to be a baller; leave that to the men. This is where room-sharing comes into play. Beware, though: TWO TO FOUR IS A RANGE. Usually, there is only one bathroom in a hotel room/suite. Keep that in mind. So, 4 people in one room might just be too much for you. A general rule of thumb, there should not be more than two of you in one queen-sized bed. This is more than enough. Anything else is uncivilized.
9. Be mindful of your girlfriends.
Stay up later than everyone else? Entertain yourself. Get up earlier than everyone else? Use your earbuds. Your kids or your husband call you at 6 o’clock each morning? Your job can’t function without you and they call you incessantly? Take that sh*t in the bathroom or better yet, the hallway. The point is don’t be interrupting people’s sleep flow with YOUR stuff. Some of us are light sleepers and need our beauty sleep. Some of us JUST went to sleep at 3 am, anyway. But, I digress…
8. Be mindful of your girlfriends Part 2.
If you are in close quarters with your friends, please keep the loud phone conversations to a minimum. Listen. Every time your phone rings, the polite thing for us to do is to get quiet so you can hear and be heard on your phone call. But, the polite thing for you to do is cut the conversation short so we can go back to loud-talking for the weekend. Notice I said close quarters? This means in the hotel room, in the car, at a quiet restaurant, everywhere. Again, we do not want to be held hostage by your loud-ass phone conversations.
7. Don’t be a Messy Marvina
Yes, women be shoppin’. And, yes, women be overpackin’. Yes, you fit everything in your bag but the kitchen sink. Yes, you had to take everything out of your bag to find your flat irons. Put that stuff back, though. Confine your mess to a 1-foot square radius. We don’t need to find your shoes in the sink or your swimsuit on the duvet cover (yuck, anyway). Repack your stuff or keep it together.
6. Keep Your Complaining to a Minimum
Soooo, you never been to New Orleans before. You didn’t know that Bourbon Street absolutely reeks of trash and vomit after day 2 of any major event. You’ve never seen this many drunk fools stumbling over each other. You’re not used to Cajun cuisine. The drinks are too weak…or too strong. This is not what you thought it would be. Get the fuck over it! No one wants to hear your constant complaining for her vacation. Keep your negativity to yourself. In fact, this should work in most areas of your life.
5. Map out the driving schedule before the trip
IF there is driving to be done, figure out who’s gonna be doing it and when before you get there.
Nobody wants to be the designated driver every damn day because the rest of you had one too many hand grenades. Pick a day or night that you can commit to sobriety and stick to it. No excuses about traffic or your sleepiness or your night blindness, ok? OK.
4. Be a Team Player
Newsflash: You cute and all, but everybody doesn’t want you. So, if your girlfriend is getting a little play from the cutie at the bar, be a wingman–er, wingwoman. Don’t be all huffing & puffing, pouting, and ready to leave because no one is paying you any attention this time or the guy that is really feeling you has dragon breath. It happens sometimes. We all have our bad days. You will deal. Take one for the team.
3a. Travel with like-minded (and like-pocketed) friends
Remember that time when Cynthia booked what she thought was an “extravagant” villa in Barcelona only to have the rest of the RHOA group call it cute with a slightly lilted voice? Of course, you do; it was only last week. The point is…nobody really thought it was cute and everyone was not-so-secretly throwing shade about the “budget hotel accommodations.” So, agree on how y’all are gonna roll from state to state. Like my friend said, beer does not mix with champagne. Decide early on what kind of trip this is gonna be.
3b. Do this before the trip, entirely
More than likely, one of your girlfriends paid the room deposit or rented a car on her debit or credit card. Pay her back ASAP. I’m not sure if you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, but there is this thing called interest which accumulates on credit card balances. It is not fair to have her available credit be affected while you decide what you’re gonna wear to the MJB concert. And, if she used her debit card? Then, you KNOW you dead wrong, right?
3c. Do this before you land
You will be eating and drinking together on this girls trip, right? How will you handle it when the bill comes? Decide that before you get off the plane, fam. If your money is tight, the whole even split thing is not for you. You will order your naked wings and be salty about your girl who ordered the crab-stuffed salmon, lobster tails, and two Jack & Cokes. On the other hand, everybody ain’t feeling the whole calculator with the pen and the bill thing. Soooo… if you usually eat/drink significantly more/less than everybody else, do it at the bar—separately. That is, unless one person is paying the entire tab. Then, to that chick I say, BALL-ING!
Speaking of balling… one or two (or a few) of your girls might buy a round for the crew. That’s fantastic! You know what’s even more fantastic? Buying a round yourself every once in a while. Be a giver sometimes. Don’t always be the taker. Plus, those test tube shots at Razoo’s be three dollars each, yo.
2. We come together, we leave together
Listen. We know that the Patriarchy is awful. We also know that rape culture is a horrible thing. But, they both exist. And, there are creeps out here who will absolutely drug a woman’s drink or feed her too many drinks in order to sexually assault her. This is called rape. While it is not women’s responsibility to stop rape, you are your sister’s keeper. So, keep an eye on your girls and don’t go off leaving your squad without getting permission. I’m so serious about that last sentence.
1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Vegas, New Orleans, Miami, Wherever. You had to know this would be number 1.
Sis, we know your man is your best friend—until he isn’t. But, don’t be giving him a play by play about your girls’ trip. You definitely shouldn’t be doing this on the phone while you’re actually on the trip, anyway (see rule #8). Besides, no matter how innocent it may seem, he will absolutely side-eye anything suspect you tell him about your friends. If you do, chances are this will be your last girls’ trip. And, you will hear it again the next time you wanna go out with your friends. Just. Don’t. Do. It. Besides…#HoeIsLife.
Seriously, don’t be all telling your other girlfriends that weren’t there either. If they wanted to know what happened, they shoulda brought their asses on the trip. Like Beyoncé told Tiffany Haddish, “If they tryna party with The Queen, they gon’ have to sign a non-disclosure.” So again, hush up, pack up, meet up at the airport, and be ready to sign those NDA’s!