You may find this list offensive, but you need to hear this. As your friend, trusted pal, and all around hell-of-a-guy, it is my duty to shield you from yourself. That self-facing camera is not your friend. I am. So as your friend, I wrote this guide…a step by step booklet to get your game on track…wait.
I’m sorry y’all, I often drift…
Anyway, once upon a time, not long ago, camera lenses faced outward…exclusively. A time when people were less consumed with vanity. But…the internet, full of random pictures of unicorns, dead beat dads and three-breasted women, is here, and that time is long gone. So before you take that next selfie, think back to what you read here, and put your phone back down.
- Get a Haircut
Everyone gets a haircut, b. Well, mostly everyone…but unless Pop, from the barber shop, is cutting your Dr. J style Afro down to a half-moon Caesar, there is absolutely nothing special going on here. Keep it moving.
- Get a Pedicure
Did you know you can get your pedicure without taking a picture of your raggedy ass dogs and the poor soul that’s operating on them. I’m sure they’d appreciate not being on camera while enduring your dogs.
- Smoke a Cigar
There’s a thin line between looking cool, and looking like a complete jerk, while smoking a cigar. Oh…and did you know, when you take that selfie while pulling on that thick, brown stick, it kinda looks like you’re…ah nevermind.
How many calories does that selfie in the gym mirror burn? You worked out, we believe you…I promise.
Before you take that pic, ask yourself, “Am I drunk?” If you answer yourself, the answer is YES. Drinking affects your decision making in all the wrong ways. Just put the phone down, and buy a round of banana cognac for your pal, me.
- Get Dressed
You know what’s more impressive than seeing your outfit in a pic before you go out? Seeing you actually out, IN your outfit. But if you don’t post it, no one will know you wore it, right? Riiight. Knock it off.
Don’t let the last image of you be that duck-lipped selfie you took before rear-ending a dump-truck. Put the phone down, b. T-Why cares, if don’t nobody else care.
I know, I know…it’s not a selfie, but do you know who actually cares about what’s on your plate? Keith, hit it!
Not to sound insensitive…but, If you can take a picture of yourself, while crying, ain’t shit wrong with you. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
Did you know that your vote still counts if you don’t post a picture of that little raggedy ass sticker? Hold up, it’s election day! Why are you still reading this!? GO VOTE!
And there you have it, friends. Thank me later.
Your trusted pal,
Oh yeah, honorable mention goes out to:
Have a Relationship
Those pics of you and your partner engaged in a kiss are kinda gross.
Go To a Funeral
Do I even need to explain this one?
Have more to add? Drop your additions, selfies, and ‘I Voted’ stickers into the comment box below.