Movies/Theater

X-Men Apocalypse: A Movie To Wipe Your Ass With

Clarification is in order off the break. When you watch this movie…and I don’t recommend it…I want you to understand something. 20th Century Fox owns the property to the X-Men, Fantastic Four, Wolverine, and Deadpool franchises. The other movies you see (Cap America, Iron Man, Ant-Man, Guardians Of The Galaxy, Hulk, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Punisher, Doctor Strange, Thor, Avengers, and now Spiderman) all belong to Marvel Studios. So, just knowing that you know why you see a difference between Civil War and Wolverine Origins.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way…don’t see this movie. If the proverbial gun was held to your head, take your chances with the gun. Here’s all the things you can do instead of seeing X-Men Apocalypse:

  1. Blink
  2. Breathe
  3. Paint your barn
  4. Watch someone paint your barn
  5. Go to the glovebox of you car and read the manual. Front to back.
  6. Learn Busta Rhymes’ rap on “Look At Me Now” then recite it to a stranger.
  7. Make a PB&J sandwich for a stranger.
  8. Watch a Tyler Perry movie. Any one. Yeah, I said it.
  9. Check back on that barn.
  10. Find Waldo.

This movie is filled with dumb mistakes. The kind of mistakes your kid makes when he’s rushing to go outside. Your first day at work kind of mistakes. Basically avoidable things that should’ve been ironed out at a meeting table four years ago when they decided to make this dumb ass movie in the first place.

Director Bryan Singer should be made to face a firing squad for what he did to this franchise. I mean, when you look at the litany of movies that he’s actually physically pulled his pants down and shitted on, it can only be considered divine intervention and a direct act of God himself that allowed him to make a great movie like “The Usual Suspects.” Yeah, The same guy that made that movie made “Superman Returns.” Favor ain’t fair.

What is truly worse is that you have terrible writing and directing executed by top notch actors. Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, James McAvoy, and Oscar Isaac shouldn’t be forced to endure such a calamity of a movie. Bryan Singer is a seven-year-old driving a Lamborghini. He has no business with it, and clearly isn’t smart enough to take care of it.

I know that there will be some people that go see this movie anything in spite of my warning. If you are that person I only ask of you one thing: please tell me after you see it so I can point and laugh at you for wasting two hours of your life that you will never get back. Ultimately I did this for you. I saw this movie so that you wouldn’t have to. I’m something like a martyr.

X-Men Apocalypse is a loose bowel, in-cohesive, marathon of elephant poo and should be boycotted off of general principle.

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